THE AGE  Newspaper article of Monday February 13th 2006.

Question:  My child has trouble separating from me when I drop her off to prep. What should I do?

Answer:

Starting school is a milestone in a child's and family's life. Many aspects of this new stage are exciting but it can also be a time of apprehension and uncertainty.

For some, the moment of separation when a parent is about to leave the school or classroom can be difficult, upsetting and stressful for the child and the parent.

There are several factors that can contribute to this anxiety. First, parents need to consider if "trouble separating" is the parent's own anxiety rather than the child's. For some, there may be factors associated with their child going to school that they feel uncertain or upset by. For example, some parents may find it difficult to see their first child suddenly appear to have "grown up" and launched into this next stage of their life. Or it may be that it is the last child to go off to school and the parent realises that a particular period is over.

The parent may also associate school with their own school experience, which may not have been positive. Such issues can be highly emotional for some parents.

They may unintentionally be sending messages of unease to children who may well be picking up the vibes.

Second, some children have more anxious personalities or are a little slower to warm up, so may need longer to settle, to feel safe and comfortable in the classroom. They may have displayed separation anxieties at child care or preschool. It is not unusual for some children to find the moment of separation more difficult than others, and parents should not be overly worried.

There are strategies that can be useful on the first day and also during the first term that will help a child settle into prep.

Prep teachers are expert in helping children integrate into the classroom. It is important that parents trust the teacher's recommendation about the right time to leave. It is difficult for a child to have their parent say many times, "I am leaving now", but not leave. This is confusing and often leads to anxiety or uncertainty.

When it is time for the parent to leave, simply say goodbye and "I will see you later in the day". Don't sneak out hoping this will be easier for the child, because once they realise you have gone without saying goodbye, they often become more distressed.

It can be deeply upsetting for a parent to leave their child crying. However, schools do not allow children to remain distressed for hours. Usually, the child settles down after a few minutes. If they continue to be distressed, the school will contact you. In some cases the parent might leave the child in some distress and the child settles quickly but the parent is left feeling anxious and often guilty. You need not feel guilty, and if you need or want reassurance that your child is OK, schools are happy for you to phone and check.

Some children will start school without separation problems and then, after a few weeks, may say things like, "I don't want to go to school any more". Remember, even if your child has been in child care or preschool, everything about school is different. Some children may have enjoyed the first few weeks and then thought, "OK, I have been to school and I have had enough of that, what can I do next?"

During first term particularly, parents need to be mindful that children, even those who rush off without a look back, are experiencing something new. They will be more physically, emotionally and mentally tired, and their behaviour at home may go through a stage of being slightly less co-operative for a while during this time of adjustment. Try not to book children into lots of extracurricular activities during first term, and ensure they have a consistent routine at home, particularly at bed time.

Helping a child to settle into school and learning how to separate from a parent requires time and patience, and for the parent and teacher to talk about the best way to help each child.
Always ask the teacher for help if you suspect your child may have separation or settling-in needs; share this with the teacher early in the term or before school starts.

All children will settle and learn to separate, but some will take longer than others.

Copyright © Kathy Walker 2006

Kathy Walker is an education consultant specialising in early childhood and primary years and a former lecturer at RMIT University.