Full article from the Term 1 No 1 2007 Newsletter
 

Helping Children Cope with a Death

We are often asked, here at the Bereavement Counselling and Support Service, "How do I tell a child that a significant person has died?" Family teachers and friends are concerned to support the grieving child but wonder how children grieve. The short answer to this is that like any other person who has loved, a child also grieves and suffers the same degree of distress as adults do. Only they do it differently, according to their developmental age and in their own grieving style.

We all want to protect our children from pain and loss and would do anything to keep them happy. There is no easy way for adults or children when a significant person dies. Caring adults wonder how to tell a child that a significant person has died. It is suggested that a person who the child knows and trusts informs the child of the death. It is good to use language that the child understands. For example, if we tell the child that the person has gone away for a long time, the child will continue to expect that the person will return. I have worked with children who insist that their person will be coming home soon because they have been told that their person has only "gone away". The child wonders why the person is not returning. As children are egocentric, they assume that there is something that they have done to cause their person to stay away for such a long time. The child will continue to search. Eventually the child will go into despair and cease to search.

If we tell the child that the person who died has "gone to sleep" the child may be fearful of going to sleep or worried about other family members going to sleep. The child may also expect that the person will wake up soon and things will be back to normal.

If we tell the child that because the person was so good God took them to himself, the child may wonder why they are not good enough for their person to stay with them.

The way to inform a child is to be clear and honest, even though this is hard. The child needs to understand how and why the person is unable to be with the family. The child needs to understand that the person got so sick that their heart or their body could no longer work. It is important to explain to the child that the person can no longer breathe, see, hear or eat. That the person can no longer feel anything so that they are not hurt or get hungry when they are in the grave. That they cannot feel anything if their person is cremated.

It is also important to try to keep things as much the same wherever possible - going to kindergarten or school, not being sent away, and being involved as much as appropriate. This helps children to feel safe and secure at a time when so much is changing around them. So the same expectations and standards of discipline can be maintained - within reason of course.

Many families have significant beliefs around where the spirit or soul of the person goes after they die. This can be helpful for the child if it is your family's belief system. If a belief system is introduced at the time of the death this can be very confusing for the child.

Like adults, many children have regrets about the loss of physical presence with the person who died. There are many ways to continue the relationship with the person who died although they are no longer physically present. Children often respond well with a linking object to the person who died. One little boy I worked with carried his daddy's drivers licence with him and proudly showed it to anyone who was interested. One little girl I know uses her daddy's briefcase instead of a school bag. Children are wonderfully creative in the ways they are able to stay connected with their person who died.

Parents sometimes have expressed the concern that their grieving child may not fully understand or behave in a way that they do not care that the significant person has died. Children are only able to take on a certain amount of bad news at a time so they grieve "in patches". They have heard what has been told to them but they sometimes need to wait until "later" to deal with it. Some parents have said to me that they thought their child had done "really well" with their grief and that just when the family was starting to "feel normal" again "all hell breaks loose". The child has waited for a time when they feel that the rest of the family is more stable and then they have their turn to express their grief. Sometimes this may be twelve months or more since the death.

People sometimes have said that they are not as worried about a child under three suffering a death as "they do not understand". I have had a child just two sit on my knee during a family meeting. Her Daddy had died suddenly from an accident a few days earlier. While we were talking the two year old took some paper and textas and started drawing on the paper. She pointed to her drawing and said "dad". She pointed to another part of the drawing and said her name. For me this was a very powerful reminder that even those of us whose verbal skills are not yet fully developed are aware of the change in the family and grieve for their significant person.

It is my experience that most families do extremely well under very painful and difficult circumstances. Parents know their child intimately and they and other family members can usually offer the best support for their grieving child. There are services which can help the parent support the child by giving information and advice. Schools are often wonderful in supporting the child. Sometimes the school may have difficulty in managing the child if the child's behaviours become bad or mad (read sad). It is suggested that the child works with a teacher whom they like. Many children suffer feelings of abandonment when they have had a significant person die and this may be acted out at school or at home in difficult behaviours. Some children test to the limit to see if another trusted person, parent carer or teacher is going to abandon them as well. Most parents and teachers are able to "hang in there" with the child even when it is difficult.

Here at the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement Counselling and Support Service we can offer secondary consultation to schools and other services. We are able to see children individually or as a family and give advice to families about how to manage. Once a month we run a group called Kids Grieve Too (KG2) for children between the ages of 4 and 14 who have suffered a bereavement of a significant person. We can be contacted on  (03) 9265 2111  or email at support@grief.org.au

Article written by Marg Bailey, Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement Counselling and Support Service.