Full article from the Term 3 No 1 2007 Newsletter

Encouraging Co Operation

Wouldn't life be easy if everyone co operated with us agreed with our point of view and did everything we asked of them? Sounds great but the world would become very uniform and homogeneous. Diversity and independent thought is valued in today's society and contributes towards the world being interesting and challenging. As parents, we do want our children to co operate with us but we also want them to grow into autonomous individuals who can contribute positively to society.

It is therefore a parent's responsibility to set the behavioural learning scene and teach children pro social skills to enable this to occur. However, all behaviour is dynamic and will be influenced by many factors not just parenting style, including personality and age of the child, context of the behaviour and family culture just to name a few. So where do parents start?

The first step is to have realistic expectations of children that match their age and stage in life. There is no use expecting a toddler to eat a meal without making a mess. Of course there are toddlers that can achieve this but considering their developmental stage they do not have the coordination and concentration skills to be able to achieve this easily. To equip a parent with the appropriate information to guide their expectations, a fact finding mission needs to occur. Reading parenting and child development books, searching the internet including Kathy Walker's web site and attending parenting courses, will assist in developing beliefs that will be informed and knowledgeable. As a child matures, this action will enable a parent to change expectations to best fit their individual child's developmental pattern.

Next on the list would be preventing the opportunity for negative behaviour to occur. As much as possible a parent needs to plan so that the situation does not bring out the worst in the child. It may seem a great idea to pop into the supermarket to do some shopping with your toddler after being to a swimming lesson. However, if your child finds swimming physically tiring, then sitting in a supermarket trolley for the next hour, feeling bored & tired, provides the perfect opportunity for a tantrum to be born. Sometimes, short term planning can bring about long term cooperative gains.

Catching positive behaviour is an easy and cheap method to encourage cooperation. Acknowledging and noticing positive behaviour is a great way to reinforce behaviour that you wish to be repeated. It can be as simple as saying "Thank you for remembering to wash your hands". The key is to give immediate feedback about appropriate behaviour. Encouragement is an excellent tool to support constructive behaviour.

Ignoring negative behaviour, as long as safety is not an issue, is a good tactic. Young children often need an audience to maintain negative behaviour. Not paying attention to a tantrum by not adding fuel to the fire will discourage its continuation. However, ignoring means ignoring - no eye contact, no finger pointing, no moaning (even if this means removing yourself from the situation). Any acknowledgement of negative behaviour to some children is better than none. A parent that wishes to stamp out negative behaviour would be wise to not reward negative behaviour.

To help encourage cooperation, redirecting negative behaviour is another good strategy to use with very young children. "Here's a ball to hit with the bat, instead of hitting your bike". Very young children sometimes need to be reminded of the appropriate behaviour. This is best achieved through the use of positive language to let the child know "what to do" rather than "what not to do".

For the older preschool child, putting boundaries around behaviour by setting limits is also very useful. "Remember to walk inside" is a simple limit. When the limit is broken, a consequence is enforced to encourage cooperation. "I can see you are still running - you will need to run outside". The parent would then need to take the child by the hand and guide them outside. These limits need to be provided in a consistent manner, so the child can know what to expect and what will happen when they choose not to cooperate.

Encouraging cooperation is all about teaching children self discipline. Self discipline is all about having intrinsic motivation to do what is not only good for oneself but also for the good of others. This motivation can only come from being surrounded by good role models and learning the appropriate social skills to encourage positive outcomes. This is the central role a parent can play when assisting in the development of future competent citizens. Encouraging cooperation can be a first step.

Article written by Paula Silveira, Kathy Walker & Associates